Words from my Fingertips

On Absences

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 12:53:28 GMT

Some people may be wondering where I am... perhaps because in the rush of moving and army forms, etc. I sort of forgot to mention leaving for bootcamp!

Anyway, I survived my Basic Military Qualifications (very surprisingly, and probably mostly because I was a musician) and am here in Ottawa training for the job (aka Ceremonial Guard Band). Which translates into me being part of those wool and bearskin hat bedecked soldiers marching on parliament hill all summer.

I have a gig in Halifax soonish and will be taking my leave for another three weeks with part of the band. For now though it's mainly drill and playing long waiting games which we refer to as the "on the bus, off the bus" syndrome of the army.

It's been an interesting adventure, and while you'd think I'm more fit now, it is, alas, as yet untrue. Instead I suffer through our physical training with a death glare and a wheeze. I am still hoping that they will stop making us run, as I'd rather do push ups and squats any day.

Unsurprisingly I think people are learning just how odd I am :).

At the moment I'm dressed in my ceremonial pants with flashy army green suspenders which I find so hilarious and have just come back from a round of model walking down the hallways.

I'm learning a new fondness/hate for polishing boots, and have decided that me and my bearskin hat might not become very good friends what with it being not as nice as the others of its kind.

Anyway, that's a brief summary of my excursions, bye for now!

On Sentimentality

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 20:47:36 GMT

I must say goodbye to my apartment this week. I have five days to study and pack everything that I own. I'm a little sad to leave, but perhaps I'll like my eventual new place enough that I'll forget about this one. I don't really get attached to things and can quite easily say goodbye to them.

If I don't cry at whatever send off happens this exam period, don't be offended. I'll miss you all, but I just don't cry about this kind of thing.

It's so weird to move so much. I think I have moved (in my memory) about 8 or 9 times in my life. Not including helping my sister's move another 6 or so times combined.

I hate the packing, unpacking, and most of all the actual moving of furniture and boxes. You move all your crap out, just to drive somewhere else to move it in. It's so annoying.

Hence, I am writing this and not packing as we speak... I should go do that.

Cheerio then!

Sisterly Love

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 04:55:34 GMT

I'm not super close with my sisters. We're tight but I'm just not the kind of person to call them up when I'm feeling lonely or in need of a hug. Perhaps this was why one of my sisters sounded so surprised to hear my voice on the other line this week saying "hey..." This week I feel like I need them. This week I want to go home and find my sisters there and hug them and laugh with them. I don't have much time these days to hang out with friends, and I'm looking for more than just friendship. I want my sisters.

Bad dreams always start a day off on the wrong foot. As I was saying just earlier today, when you wake up from a really disturbing dream you are already emotionally spent at the START of your day, and have nothing left to give for the rest of it.

Having had a large helping of food for the soul (both figuratively and literally), I expected that happy feeling to linger for a little while. But the happy moment lasted only as long as the moment itself, and I was back to my original mood of the day.

I think, with all that is going on, the stresses of everything I have to do in the next two weeks (not including anything to do with just school work in general/exams), I have to let go for a day. Today is a day for being sad and feeling a little hopeless. I give myself one day for this feeling and then tomorrow I must move on. There is only so long you can push a positive spin onto everything when you aren't a naturally positive person. After a while you just feel so tired, the positivity, the patience, the being nice... It all gets to you and you just need a day of rest to say, "hey! today sucks, and i'm going to wallow in that for a little while because this suckiness is not going away and i need to gather my strength so that i don't have to feel like this for the next chunk of time."

It's like pausing to catch your breath, except instead of breathing you get back to not being able to breath, so that tomorrow you can force yourself to.

I'm going home tomorrow night. I've never appreciated going home like I have this year :)

Good bye bad day, I won't see you tomorrow :D!

on choral conducting projects

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:06:26 GMT

This project is shit. I shouldn't have to waste my time when I could afford to take the 5% hit off my grade. Because the concept of a "grade" in this class is also shit.

Posting

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:27:55 GMT

Posting on
Posters hung on
Post-able walls. the pictures
Potable, colours
Pock marked with primaries
Pollock would have appreciated.

Posting
Poets of everyday things
Poking into the mundane and
Postulating the taboo.
Pouring their souls out onto the
Pores of web-based paper.

Posting is unquestionably
Political at times,
Pointedly private or public, a
Posthumous record for the faceless at others.

I Post.
To Post.
Posting.

Ketchup

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:23:19 GMT

The bottle sits, red and white upon my desk
Amid the papers, measuring cups, and other artifacts of my life
The ketchup pooled at the base of the upside down design
It occurs to me that I will need to put that back before bed
I wonder vaguely if anyone was looking for it, wondering where it could wander off to
I avoid the fridge, the plastic guard rail of the side door broken
like a ribbon at the finish line, the players burst from their confinement
Images of the incidental soya sauce incident come to mind
Stupid fridge.

Poetry (because it's been a while)

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 17:17:08 GMT

my cheeks are numb
yet stinging,
dumb
they're swollen
with the imprint
of your hand.

what did they ever do
to your palm?
I wear half moon dents
of your finger nails
like decorative
things...

my cheeks are tingling
with stinging,
trembling
they're a deep set red
of a young girl's blush.

what did they ever do
to you, hon?
I wear the outlines
of each of your fingers
like painted
trinkets...

what did they ever do
to deserve?
numb
they couldn't have said
even an awful word...
dumb
they didn't know better,
I'm sure...
stinging
I wear the blush of a
innocent young girl
I wear the moon prints of your nails
like a goddess, I prevail...

I'm
numb
and trembling
dumb.

I'm
sorry
I
blush
in the pattern of your

hand.

On People

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:29:41 GMT

For all of those people out there who, unawares, make other people's life hell:

Wtf is wrong with you? Do you have even a little shred of decency or are you that blinded to what kind of person you really are? Are you aware of the comments that come out of your mouth? Do you notice how much you self justify? When everyone starts hating you, do you really believe it's because everywhere you go, THAT many people are just crazy and you are the only one who is sane and good?

Well, I have a message for you. Get out of my life. I don't need your negativity. And most of all, because I lack the balls to yell it straight into your face, fuck you.

Fuck you and fuck off. (<- That bit of swearing was highly necessary)

That's all! :)

On Doing Absolutely Nothing (when you should be doing something)

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:52:12 GMT

It has been a long time since I've sat in the library for no other reason than to waste time on the computer. Today I have less rehearsals than usual with my recital being done and thus time to waste.

Or more like time to procrastinate, which is a luxury I haven't been able to afford in the past two weeks. Has it only been two weeks since Reading Week? It feels like much much much much longer.

I hate people, just to let you know. It may be crazy, but part of the incentive to go to B.C. for my masters is purely based on the motivation to just get away from here. Plane rides could be interesting... living many provinces away from anyone I know doesn't sound so great though.

I think I might go hide in the back of the library where the people I dread to talk to (because they tend to make you feel like shit with every other sentence) won't find me. And I can continue avoiding the CBO where I must sort out a mistake that they made but as avoidance dictate, I have not gone to fix as of yet.

I plan on coming home after this composers concert and curling up and watching Friends I think. That sounds very relaxing. There should also be yoga in the lobby or something to better promote relaxation/getting through this last haul of the year.

Random note: The library is slightly multicultural today.

On the Having of Recitals

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:03:41 GMT

I have just come back from a lovely dinner at Garlics after my recital this afternoon. I have to say that I'm glad it is done, but at the same time I wish I had been less busy so I could have appreciated the excitement that usually accompanies such a performance. I think it went alright, there were some reed and bocal issues that I really couldn't have prevented, so I can forgive them, hehe.

Plus, my dress was beautiful, and by dress I mean my nightie, but by dress I also mean my dress. It's complicated.

It goes by fast though, the run through of all that repertoire you work the whole year on. It's amazing, this culmination of all that you have worked towards into a single performance. But then again, that work really continues on, and that one performance becomes many as you keep working and gaining more skill.

I think I have improved greatly over the past few years and hope to continue to do so. Aka, all in all I am satisfied with my recital as a notch in my learning pole of sorts... Learning pole? Perhaps it's like that section of wall with the notches of your height over the years... except it looks like a totem pole and the images on the pole are all of things that relate to who you are as a person. It could be like art!

I think too much.

On Commitment and Love

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 05:42:37 GMT

At first glance I would assume that I am the type to commit. I don't date around, I'm looking to settle down eventually, I like the idea of security, family, companionship.

But I don't understand the feeling of rapture people describe when they are in love, that almost desperate need and the seeming knowledge that their names are written in the stars together. I try with every fiber of my being not to get blinded by love, and I think in the end I just create an inability to become securely attached. I should clarify that I include anyone in that statement (men, friends, family). I am not unfeeling but I just don't put in the outward effort to maintain these relationships and feel, I think, less remorse than I should when I late them fade away. One day it will be up to me to make sure that I see my extended family and keep in contact with them, but I'm not sure I will. I'll miss them, but I won't make the effort.

So yes, I want marriage, kids, the whole deal... but at the same time I'm not sure I would ever trust any feeling in me of absolute devotional, happy-go-lucky, grow-old-together kind of fate-like love. I want it, but wanting isn't enough. I'm not sure if I even know how to feel that way. I can't make a decision about what kind of hand soap I want in my bathroom, how will I ever be sure enough to say "I do" and not believe the whole while that the relationship will probably fail. How can I ever promise that my love will never fade when I know that it's in my nature to constantly harbor doubts.

I am decidedly unsure on everything, from my clothes and personality to my career choices, etc. If I "commit" and get married one day, I wonder if I'll always be the person who doubts but somehow that won't mean I'll be making a mistake... Or is it really possible that I might be sure of that choice when the day comes, if it does?

***

On a completely different note, I used the word "Hullabaloo" in a sentence unthinkingly today without even cracking a smile. It took me a bit to be like... wtmfh? (<- inside joke, hehe)

A Phone Call

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 20:05:41 GMT

I can name a list of physical and emotional reactions that I get when I have to call someone, especially in relation to getting something done:

-anxiety (obviously)
-fear/terror
-nausea
-butterflies
-feeling weak but not actually being weak (feeling like you could collapse but have no real reason that you can't stay standing)
-rapid heart rate or breathing depending on level of nervousness
-avoidance at all costs until the very last possible minute (and I mean "minute" literally)
-fretting
-fidgeting
-typing random posts on the subject when I should be on the phone
-dry throat/choked feeling (frog in throat, possible tears, etc)
-that physical embodiment of worry (heavy feeling in your heart)
-crying (depending on level of terror)
-inability to call with others in the house (witnesses?)
-and the manipulation of thoughts (convincing self that there are reasonable explanations to why you could put it off for another day, or why you just don't do it all, and how that is better for everyone)

*EDIT*

I forgot a few for when the call is taking place: holes in memory for simple questions or memory of what info you need to bring up, need to plan out conversation in written form beforehand to follow, talking too fast or too quiet (therefore needing to repeat yourself and draw out excruciating conversation), ( with the heart racing and such mentioned above), sweaty palms, nervous laughter... I think that's all...

*END EDIT*

These symptoms have no particular order, do not decrease in strength or occurrence with repeated exposure, and may appear AFTER the actual phone call has taken place. Actually, while the anticipation is bad, if it builds up enough the symptoms are more severe after the fact. They come in a rush of nerves so that you actually give in to the need to collapse, your heart pounding wildly and tears constricting your throat. Oddly, this happens with the same level of severity no matter if the call was negative or very positive.

Of course there are levels of variance. Not all of these symptoms show up or are very strong when calling certain people. It often depends on the task being completed; if there is no task then the pressure is merely one of social awkwardness and is much less severe.

I thought I would dictate all of this and that maybe writing about it would be therapeutic, or at least afford me some more wasted time.

That's all! :) (perhaps I will go pick up the phone now... perhaps not)

P.S. Pray you don't get an answering machine that you didn't prepare for in your written notes or you'll just have to hang up in panic and start the process of getting up the courage to try again all over from the beginning. Not cool. (Believe me, I'm laughing at myself right now, I've come to a point in my life where amusement is the best form of coping, keeps me happy and light hearted despite my shortcomings)

P.P.S. A piece of advice: Always forgive yourself for being you. Laughter and forgiveness are good grapple hooks if you feel yourself being pulled down into a spiral of dark moods. The fact that I can implement this, even though I've been up since 10am trying to make a phone call that I didn't succeed at until 3:30pm and is yet to be resolved, is a big step. Hating yourself only perpetuates more reasons to hate yourself. Okay, that's all I swear this time!

God among other things...

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 05:00:07 GMT

Maybe God knows the things I don't in my life.

Or perhaps, as skepticism would have it, God is just a symbol for a need, a feeling, a hope/dream, a "great maker", an energy, Fate? I cannot answer these questions (and, I suspect, many others) but I keep them in mind.

It seems, based on novels and epic life stories, that a spiritual journey is exactly that: A Journey. A story that can be told about far off countries and the amazing people we have met in our lives. But not once is it ever about a kid just thinking on the whole concept of God and finding their own spirituality (or un-spirituality) in a simple leap of faith.

I am not a part of any organized religion or belief. Mainly because my beliefs aren't organized enough to fit into any one peg-and-hole combination. But I do know that my journey is very un-epic.

I think the spiritual road of finding one's self is very similar to the road of love.

In fact they are all one road, all the things we search for: faith, love, meaning, fulfillment, etc. And armed with the knowledge that I am still young, and answers don't just fall into one's lap, I still dream of having it all figured out.

Or, what's more, being able to say with confidence that I believe. Not necessarily in God, but in the world working out as it should, if there is an "as it should". I want to one day be able to say "I do" and really mean it for the rest of my life, or commit to a career and truly believe that it is my niche and I will succeed in it. I want to know that I've got life all figured out.

And have the doubts just be doubts and not nagging things that dig their fingers into my sense of direction.

I should have been born a bird. The sky would be my God, flight my lover, the air my meaning, my wings my rock, the earth my shelter and my shoulder...

Pointless Posting

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 02:23:52 GMT

Sometimes I let my fingers play over the keys of my computer’s keyboard without actually typing anything just to hear the clicks. Perhaps it is the illusion of productivity… especially when productivity is seriously lacking and projects are due/haven’t even been started yet. Thus I waste time clicking keys but never press any down, and copy-write one hundred word posts because I don’t have the creativity, or just don’t bother, to think up something more original. That, and I was curious just how much a hundred words really were when encapsulated in my very own post of the sort. Hmm… (100)

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:07:50 GMT

deadened.
is the sound of the world around me,
is the sound of my heart beating against its cage,
is the sound...
of me.

I cannot hear the words upon your lips,
I cannot hear the pounding of your fists,
I am
deadened.

spacebarissues

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 03:27:37 GMT

ItsofftoWhiteOaksforanewspacebar.˙Or˙I˙have˙to˙type˙with˙unobtrusive˙symbols˙to˙make˙sense.˙Stupid˙space˙bar˙and˙a˙few˙other˙keys˙have˙stopped˙working˙and˙damned˙if˙I˙know˙how˙to˙fix˙them!

That˙was˙extremely˙annoying˙to˙type.˙Though˙I˙am˙getting˙quicker˙at˙it.

I•hate•half•an•hour•bus•rides!˙:(

Whistlin' a Tune

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 01:47:15 GMT

So here I was, whistling in the washroom to a random tune. I proceeded to turn on the tap to wash my hands, and the tap... whistled back! And not just whistled, but whistled the fifth of the key I was whistling in. So I cadenced with it before I turned the tap off.

Yep, I was thoroughly entertained. Or... I may have had too many Nerds and am on a slight sugar high. But that doesn't change the facts!

Right... I think I've stopped making sense. :D

Journal of a Time Waster

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 02:08:40 GMT

Ah yes, avoidance! Breathe that lazy, tension-filled air!

One day I may not only acknowledge that I'm only hurting myself in procrastinating, but will actually do something about it!

So far in life I have made some semi-progress. Rather than doing nothing and feeling guilty for it, I pick a task and over do it so that I have avoided through doing... if not doing what would be hierarchically highest on the list.

It's slightly scary to think that in one week I have finished 1 litre of milk and perhaps 3 litres of coke... that's a lot of coke!

And I am still resisting the chocolate cake that patiently waits for me in the freezer.

Alas, I really should be exercising. I have been thinking about it a lot, now I just have to pick something and actually do it. I'd like to be able to exercise in my own home, and not be all sweaty and disgusting in public (whether or not they are just as sweaty and disgusting).

If the dvd player weren't broken and I could guaranty a part of the day that all roommates would not be home each day, I would do it in the living room and use the Hip Hop Abs videos I have. Even if they aren't great, it's better than not moving at all.

Or, an even better idea! Get one of those mirrors from the circus that makes you look like half your size. :D I know, I know, I'm not fat. But I don't know one girl who doesn't see herself as a little fat in a few places.

Luckily I have the hungry stomach of a male teen, I'm guaranteed not to turn to an eating disorder!

The best solution would be to use that avoidance energy and put it towards working out. Thus I could avoid at the same time as getting fit. It would be the perfect symbiotic relationship :)

S.S.

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 21:28:54 GMT

it's like a fountain of images
i tried so hard to block
and my throat, i swear, is closing up
i'm allergic to life i think
i can't think,
i think i can't breathe
my lungs have caved in and there's no where to run

where are you?
where are you when i am crying?
why aren't you here?

i can't be here,
i can't-
catch-
my breath

i feel like i am rotting fruit,
i'm falling apart, not at the seams
but at the very heart and skin and breath of me
if you touch me i might cave in
it might be as painful as it is to breathe in at the moment

and they all sit in a circle
tell me that life isn't what I say
then tell me it is but it's not the same
their words translate: doctors, medications
i just want to be left alone
i don't want to feel like rotting fruit
or broken lungs
i don't want to have to say it a hundred words and sessions

i just want to be able to catch my breath
and not have to wonder where you are when you aren't here

~the end.~

OCD

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:39:11 GMT

I may have a problem... with puzzles. I'm a little obsessed when I get one started, and I'll stay up at all hours to get it done. And I never use the box to look at the picture, because, frankly, that's cheating. I like puzzles, I'm not bad at them and they distract me in a perfect way. The randomness of the pieces and the hardness of the puzzle mean I can keep my mind solely on the puzzle without getting distracted. Oh, puzzles! I adore thee :D

Like I said, I have a problem! hehe

Well then, it is perhaps time for bed. Cheers to you all, may this break stretch on into oblivion! :D

I'm digging in my heels Father Time

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 04:25:17 GMT

The Christmas tree is decorated, the cards are in the make, and I avoid checking my school email account so I am not reminded of the stresses that await me on my return home. But then I think, if there is anything I dread more than going back to school, it is the summer and a the summer job that I must get to fill it up. Frankly that makes my school stress comparatively enjoyable.

Either way I would be glad for this break not to end!

The Christmas tree is beautiful this year, breaking away from traditional homemade and knick knack decorations to a more simple design. Lights scattered throughout, with a garland of more colourful lights wrapping around, and glass icicles and bobbles to let the lights sparkle and shine even more so.

The cats are already getting a little more excitable and drinking all of the poor tree's water. I have yet to find all of the gifts I need, but at least the cards are getting close to half way completed.

The meals are so good when I am home. My compliments to the chefs (aka my mom and my sister)!

It's my favourite holiday, don't make me ever go back! :(

a little jazzy

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 05:21:49 GMT

- you make my skin crawl
with spiders of anxiety
i cannot always comprehend
the mind behind that piety

- you make my blood broil
with love, with rage so fiery
to think, it hurts that i'm to blame
for loving you so entirely

i'm an encourager, a catalyst
taking the brunt of the blunt force quietly
with that mind of yours in the back of my own
that i contemplate often privately

- you make my tummy ache
with butterflies and swimming snakes
i'm not sure i know who you are and i think that i'm
ready to, in it's entirety

- you make my skin twitch
with shivers of pleasure, with pins and with pricks
i don't think, i'm not sure, i can't think but be sure
i'm off-put by your brand of psychiatry

- you make my skin crawl
with spiders of anxiety
i cannot always comprehend
the mind behind that piety

in kisses and in shivers
it whispers to me quietly
i cannot help myself, at best
i acquiesce entirely.

(this poem/song is in swung eighth notes, except when it's in triplets... it sounds better if you interpret the rhythms correctly... though normal stresses of words work up to "off-put" which stresses the "put" and not the "off", where "off" becomes grouped with "i'm" in the pick up to "put"...) (I guess it's not really important hehe :) )

p.s. I'm home!

Almost done!

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 18:11:36 GMT

Is there by any chance someone in London heading to the GTA for Christmas break next week and wants me to come along? I'm good company, live in Brampton, don't want to take the train, etc.

:D

Anyway, I'm thinking I might go start my Christmas shopping. It'll be crowded, but at least there's the chance that I'll come out of it with some idea of what I can get someone in my family. I'm fresh out of new ideas... perhaps I'll find some stocking-stuffers.

Or I stay home, study, fill out my McGill application (which by the way was designed by overly complicated idiots) and be productive and what not. But shopping will only take up a couple hours including bus time so I'm pretty tempted. I will eat and then decide.

Two applications in though! None of their supporting documents, but the online portion is done and that's the important thing.

Alrighty, breakfast/lunch coming up!

I don't think my stomach appretiated it

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:25:33 GMT

Instead of dinner this evening I ate a chocolate cake. Yes, a whole one. But in my defense it was a McCain "Delite" cake, you get them with a pizza deal usually, they're not that big, 5X8 inches (ish), bout an inch or so deep...

Personally, I am of the belief that chocolate cake at this time of the year does me a world better of good then just a normal meal.

Plus, it was really marble underneath the icing.

Who am I kidding! I will make no excuses. :D

This weekend I have watched V for Vendetta (for the first time), The Princess Bride, Bridget Jones's Diary, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

I have also taken about 24 hours total of psych notes. Of which I am officially done, and now must go back over to start studying for my exam.

Now the debate, what to pass the time with while I start to study. I think, and this is just a postulation here, that my arm might fall off by the end of next Monday from all this note taking. Like, fall straight off. Like the time the keys on the contra bassoon just popped off in the middle of Wind Ensemble? Yeah,just like that! I'll keep a screwdriver near by just in case :D... or perhaps in this case some needle and thread, or just a cooler of ice to keep the arm in until I can get it reattached.

Ah, the sound of rain when really (according to the weather people) it's supposed to be snow storming. Well, London is schizophrenic, it's the weather people's fault for trying to predict it. Once it got wind of that, it was all over. ... hahaha "wind"

clearly not feeling super cheerful, blame it on the stuffy nose

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 03:42:36 GMT

Mckay doesn't get it when I say "I can't afford" something. He gets it sometimes, when he like almost offers to pay for my lunch if he thinks I'm not eating. But then, doesn't understand that auditioning to the National Youth Orchestra has a expensive audition fee, never mind that I can't afford to play in it if I got in. I know they cut out the major fees, but I can't afford the deposit or supporting myself with food money.

I really don't know how I will be paying for next semester, and by "I", I mean my mum. She doesn't have the money. And I know that like every summer since I was 15 and started applying for jobs, I will yet again fail to get hired for a summer job until some place is finally desperate.

But I've been looking up information on student lines of credit, and it's a definite possibility. I just won't buy a thing that doesn't direly need to be paid for.

I'm starting to regret ever having gone into music. I'm going to be in school for the rest of my life and I'll never get the chance to not worry about money. I've had to worry about money all my life and I find it so exhausting. I'm tired now. I wish I'd gone into something else...

But I have to keep going, I made a commitment. I'll just be working in a fast food restaurant all summer, and during grad school, and year after year after that. I wish my family could find a lucky break. If I ever win the lottery I will share it with my mom and my sisters so that we all might get the chance to invest some of it and be okay for a little while. Actually, the sisters are all settling down with real careers now, so I might end up being the only poor one left.

I should have been good at something. Every time someone in my family shows any pride in me studying music, I feel this horrible guilt of letting them down. I hate that I am a burden on my mother.

What a stupid dream.