On Commitment and Love
At first glance I would assume that I am the type to commit. I don't date around, I'm looking to settle down eventually, I like the idea of security, family, companionship.

But I don't understand the feeling of rapture people describe when they are in love, that almost desperate need and the seeming knowledge that their names are written in the stars together. I try with every fiber of my being not to get blinded by love, and I think in the end I just create an inability to become securely attached. I should clarify that I include anyone in that statement (men, friends, family). I am not unfeeling but I just don't put in the outward effort to maintain these relationships and feel, I think, less remorse than I should when I late them fade away. One day it will be up to me to make sure that I see my extended family and keep in contact with them, but I'm not sure I will. I'll miss them, but I won't make the effort.

So yes, I want marriage, kids, the whole deal... but at the same time I'm not sure I would ever trust any feeling in me of absolute devotional, happy-go-lucky, grow-old-together kind of fate-like love. I want it, but wanting isn't enough. I'm not sure if I even know how to feel that way. I can't make a decision about what kind of hand soap I want in my bathroom, how will I ever be sure enough to say "I do" and not believe the whole while that the relationship will probably fail. How can I ever promise that my love will never fade when I know that it's in my nature to constantly harbor doubts.

I am decidedly unsure on everything, from my clothes and personality to my career choices, etc. If I "commit" and get married one day, I wonder if I'll always be the person who doubts but somehow that won't mean I'll be making a mistake... Or is it really possible that I might be sure of that choice when the day comes, if it does?

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On a completely different note, I used the word "Hullabaloo" in a sentence unthinkingly today without even cracking a smile. It took me a bit to be like... wtmfh? (<- inside joke, hehe)